Bathroom Door Humor

Oldest Son (almost 7) and Youngest Son (4-1/2) have lately taken the concept of privacy to heart. It coincided with being separated into their own rooms (temperament needs) and they love knocking on each other's doors and asking if they can come in.

But this one caught me off guard:

Oldest Son (running upstairs): I have to go potty!

Youngest Son (running after him): Me too!

OS: I get it first!

YS: I get it second!

OS: Okay (closes bathroom door)

YS knocks on bathroom door.

OS: Who is it?

YS (after a long pause): Who do you think it is?

Of Course, Some Do Go Both Ways

Abba: Are you an innie or an outie?

The PT (6): I'm a rightie.

What's In There?

My niece Dassi (5) is quite the blunt one.

D: What do you have in there?
Ez: Huh?
D: What's in your tummy? Is there something in there? It's kind of fat. Why is your tummy so fat?

Zero Years Old

Driving carpool is always a surefire way to hear some preschool pearls of wisdom.

Our neighbor's son, S was talking to my daughter Ann (both 4).

S: The last time (another boy) was at my house for a playdate, my brother N was zero years old.

Ann (while wrinkling nose): What's zero?

S (shrugs): I'm not sure, but it means that you don't have any teeth yet.

Let Them Eat Steak

When Kids Sing

From Youngest Son (4-1/2), singing happily on the way home from school:

"Baa baa black sheep, have you any wool,
Yes sir, yes sir, three bags full.
One for the master, one for the dame,
One for the little boy who lives down the drain..."

Concept of a new baby

Hi, Psychotoddler gave me posting privilidges a while ago, but I got swamped with work and a class. But I want to at least start. I have two daughters, Tikvah and Ahava (now 4 and 2).

When my wife was pregnant with Ahava, and Tikvah was about 17 months old, we kept trying to get her to understand that a new baby was on the way. We'd have her rub mom's belly and would say "Baby... there's a baby in there!" Then one day I was laying on the floor, on my back, playing with Tikvah. She came over, rubbed my belly, and proudly declared, "BABY!!"

Oops, I need to cut back on the desserts!!

About the Author

Concentration

My niece, A (3) was walking last week with my sister-in-law L. They passed by a house with an ornate Nativity scene, complete with large figurines hunched seriously over the baby.

A turned to her mother and said, "Look how hard they are davening (praying)at that bris! They sure have a lot of kavanah (intention, concentration)!"

This Just In..

We had a Chanuka party, complete with relatives, yummy food, and presents.
YB, age 4, got a little confused between the relatives and the guests...
Instead of asking Uncle Zalmy for some lasagna, he asked for some "Unclezanya!"
(Apparently, he's actually been calling it that since last Chanuka...)

Wonderful

From my SIL: Ben (5) and Hen (3) were standing on a stool watching me make latkes last night. The stool is a about a foot and a quarter wide, so it was challenging for both of them to stand comfortably. (Ben suggested that we either get another stool or skinnier feet.)

Ben:

Hen, could you tell your yetzer hara to stop pushing me!

And from Elianna (20 mo.)'s first extended sentence, a couple weeks back, as I walked toward the bathroom, to Serach:

"DaDa PP go!"

when chumash class hits home...

oh gosh. my 2nd graders have more hashkafa in their lives than i do...

NT: My Bubby used to live in Florida, but there were hurricanes, so she moved to Israel, but now there are earthquakes there.

Maybe Hashem is giving her Nisyonos (tests) like He gave Avram!

Prince

SD (almost 3) has a new therapist working with him. She sometimes, affectionately calls him Prince or Handsome. She told me today that when she called him Prince, SD objected. He said she couldn't call him Prince, but she could call him Handsome!

Ben & Hen

From my SIL about her two oldest:

On Friday night we were doing Ben's (5) Parsha questions. OD said, "It's great that you remember so much about the parsha!" Ben replied, "Yeah- I have a stupid-pendous brain."

On Shabbos morning, Hen (3) asked me "Is it still Shabbos?" (I think she wanted to do something 'very muktza') I told her it was. She said, "But not so Shabbos, right?"

Bedtime

We had a babysitter watch the boys last night while Aba and I went out. I told the boys in advance. ZB (4 1/2) told me to tell the babysitter that his bedtime was 10:00. When I told him I wouldn't and that I don't want him up that late, he told me not to tell her when his bedtime was and he would tell her it was 10:00.

Passing Notes

The PT (age 6) is eating lunch. She puts a spoonful of food in her mouth. Suddenly, she arches her eyebrows and emits a whining tone, but doesn't swallow her food. She runs off to the other room and returns with a note:

I swa
loed a hole
Nootal!

Didn't Come From the Baby Store

SD (2 1/2) was acting silly. Jokingly, I asked him where he came from. His response-"The big brother store!"

PT Imagery: Jraffs

Mrs. B and I went to parent/teacher conferences this week and received mostly wonderful reports about all the kids, pfu pfu pfu. We expected to hear...interesting things about The PT, who, if you've been paying attention to all the franchised blogs, is a bit...different.

And of course, we did. She is her own inimitable self and will bow to the will of the masses only slowly and at her own pace. We are not worried about her and do not plan to assign any DSM-4 criteria to her.

One interesting thing we saw last night was an assignment she did for her first grade writing journal. Now, I have done homework with her and watched her write out sentences, and I assure you that this is a grueling experience. The PT doesn't do anything quickly, and writing four lines can easily be a 30 minute affair. I was quite shocked to see this, though (I'm sorry I don't have the original to scan):

JRAFFS (written backwards, of course)

JRaFFs R tol Bcuz
ther long neks.
JRaffS hav brn spts lic
choklet chps in ice crem

Translation:

Giraffes are tall because (of)
their long necks
Giraffes have brown spots like
chocolate chips in ice cream

Even the teacher was surprised by her use of imagery. I'm just shocked she could keep a train of thought going for so long.

when i grow up...

Today one of my 2nd grade students was helping sweep up after some girls made a mess with playdough during recess. One teacher said to her, "E, you clean up so well. Are you going to become a babysitter when you grow up?" To which E responded,

"No, I wasn't born Spanish."

**My apologies to any Spanish speaking people reading this. Apparently, this student's mother owns an agency which sends out cleaning ladies to people, and apparently, they're all Spanish. Please do not be offended!

Scary Tree

via my sister-in-law: We were walking on Sunday and passed a tree with a gate around its trunk (only in NY!). Hen (3) explained,

"They thought the tree was a monster."

it's about time...

the bandwagon has finally picked me up.

so, so many stories; i shall only write the favorites for now.

STORY 1: my friend Aliza called her siblings to say hi.

Gavriel (8) - Yochevy called you to tell you something so funny but I'm going to say it for her.

Yochevy (6) - No! I want to tell her!

G - Ok, I'll just give you a little hint. Yochevy accidentally called the circus before!

Aliza- What? How?

Y- Well, I was trying to call Moshie but the lady on the phone said, "We're sorry, all circuses are busy!"

STORY 2: My friend's nephew visits.

Yisrael (4) (points at floor) - wemember when i sweeped here?

Me - Oh yeah? You swept here with a broom?

Yisrael - No... with a bed.

STORY 3: My 2nd grade student, who has a language delay and frequently mixes up words, comes over to me:

Y: Morah, my stomach is drizzling!

Me: Um, like the rain?

Y: No... like it's kind of making noises (moves hands in circles to illustrate)

Me: Um... grumbling?

Y: **puzzled look** Uh, yeah that.

Advance Planning

Me (rummaging through Ann's lunchbag after preschool): Why didn't you eat any of the melon I cut up for your snack?

Ann (4): I just didn't want to have a stummyache.

Me: Melon gives you a stomache ache?

Ann: No, but if I ate it all, I would have a stummyache for the cupcake from (boy in class)'s birthday party!

Best part

This isn't necessarily cute or funny, but it says a lot about who our oldest, Chana (8), is, and I want to remember it. Last week Chana started attending Bnei Akiva, a Zionist youth group that meets periodically on Shabbat for singing, praying, and playing. She had a great time and can't wait for the next meeting. My wife asked her about it afterwards:

Mrs. R: What was your favorite part?

Chana: Mincha.

My Fat Brother

Note: My brother OD weighs barely half what I do. He's also 5 inches shorter. I like to call him my little brother (he's turning 33 soon). Anyway, here's what his daughter Hen (just turning 3) had to say to my sister-in-law SIL:

Hen: [Shen] came out of your tummy right?
SIL: Yes.
Hen: And also [Ben] and me?
SIL: Yup.
Hen: But not Daddy cuz he doesn't fit.

Nice. Meanwhile, here's what Ben had to say after his first day of school:

Ben made a good friend in school already BH. He told me: _______ is my best friend. He became my friend so quickly. (Sighs and touches his heart) I have so much love for him in my heart. This is what happened. My heart went out of my chest, went into _______'s chest and came back into my chest.

Thanks for the Compliment!

My parents were coming over to visit, and to take the "bigger kids" out to the playground. From the way, they called to say that they wanted to change plans and take the kids to the beach instead (more time for me to rest with the baby!).

As I raced around packing different gear, changing clothes, and applying sunscreen, Ann (4) remarked, "You're very responsible, Mom!" [Since when did I become 'Mom'?!]

"Thanks, Ann."

"You're welcome, Mom."

Five minutes later:

Ann: "What does responsible mean, anyway?"

Third Eye

My brother bought KJ a little ball that looks like an eyeball. I put it to my forehead and said, "Look, my third eye" KJ thought that was funny. Today he was climbing the shelf, I asked him, "what are you doing?" He was reaching for something saying, "I want my third eye."

Since there is a police officer spending time talking to him, he has been wearing his belt and toy gun requesting that I call him "Police officer"

not good

me: i'm not feeling so good today.

the pt: neither is the fish, and he's dead.

All the Rage

The PT (age 6): Behold, Curly! I feel the rage to jump on you!

Curly (13): Huh?

The PT: YAAAAAAAH!

Curly: AHHHHH!

---

The PT: I feel the rage for some pancakes. Fudge, can you give me some pancakes?

Fudge: ?

---

The PT: I have the rage to sit on the blue chair.

---

The PT: I have the rage for some milk.

Iguana: Uhhh...you want milk?

---

The PT: Uh...HELLO?? Whoever's in the bathroom?? I feel the rage to use the bathrooooooom!!

Wildlife

I'm going back in time here to something that made me smile about a year and a half ago when Andy was a couple of months old and I started bathing him on the bath sling with Ann next to him in the big bath.

Ann (a little more than 2 and a half at the time): Is the new baby a zoo animal or a farm animal?

Me: What? Your brother is not an animal at all. (Yet . . .)

Ann: But I think he's like a pet.

Me: Why?

Ann: Because look, he has a little tail!



Don't hate me one day for sharing this one, kids!

Courtship

Chana (8): Daddy, do I have to wait til I'm married to date?

Me: You have to date before you get married.

Chana: Well Sharon's mother said that she can't date until she's done with college and married.

Me: I think Sharon's mom was just joking.

Chana: Oh. (beat) Perhaps in college I'll find a boy I can admire.

Tipping His Hand

This may be the best story ever...

Ben (4) to his mother (Imma): I don't like getting angry because then I get punished. Well, only if Daddy's taking care of me. He'll put me in time out or something. If it's you then you'll tell me to act nicely next time. But if you're not home or in the bathroom or sleeping, I'll get punished.

Imma: So you think you can act angry when I'm taking care of you because I'm not going to punish you?

Ben (realizing he just tipped his hand): Don't worry, Imma. I'll forget that I said that. I love you Imma! I won't forget that I said that!

Wrong foot

Ada (2 1/2) is all too familiar with the experience of trying to put her shoe on the wrong foot. She usually figures it out when she realizes she is having way too much trouble than would normally be expected from a harmless velcro shoe. The other day she was trying to put on her sock by herself and the sock just didn't seem to want to cooperate. She turned to me in frustration and asked, "It's the wrong foot?"

Thing 3, Goats, & Cottage Cheese

Wanna Saab's Thing 3 (also known as my niece) explains the making of cottage cheese.

Thank You Susan

The neighbor boy came over to play with KJ (4 y/o) they were laying train tracks and KJ said, "Mom help me, it's stuck" so I got down there and fixed it. Neighbor boy says, "Thank you" then KJ said, "Thank you, thank you Susan." (my real name) It just took me by surprise, that's the first time he's ever done that. Then he said, "Oh am I supposed to call you mom?" All three of us laughed.

Super-Frum!

One of my sisters-in-law (E) related the following story from Danya, her 5-1/2 year old...

Talking about an 18-year old cousin who has been dating a guy in her high school for a while:

Danya: I don't think they're going to get married.
E: Danya, why not?
Danya: Because they know each other.
E: Why is that a problem?
Danya: You don't marry people you know!!
E: (laughing) So Danya, when are you supposed to meet them!?
Danya: At the vort!! [engagement party]

every person has their tachlis

the pt: fudge, let's play a game.

fudge: ok.

the pt: whenever i say 'situation', i mean job. so it goes like this- what's the situation for a tree?

fudge: um...i don't know.

the pt: to produce...oxygen...DUH.

fudge: oh, ok.

the pt: let's try again. what's the situation for a sidewalk?

fudge: so you can walk on it?

the pt: ding!

fudge: alright!

the pt: what's the situation for a car?

fudge: so you can go far places in it?

the pt: ding! what's the situation for a sign?

fudge: so people know how to drive?

the pt: ding! what's the situation for an acorn?

fudge: so it can grow into a tree?

the pt: ehhhhmp. try again.

fudge: um...so it can be eaten by squirrels?

the pt: to feed squirrels, actually. but so close! ding.

fudge: so much for my winning streak.

the pt: what's the situation for a toy?

fudge: so kids can play with it?

the pt: ding! what's the situation for the garbage?

fudge: so we can throw away stuff we don't need?

the pt: ding. what's the situation for an ant?

fudge: um.....

the pt: (if there is none, you can just go likes this) ::she shrugs::

fudge (shrugs)

the pt: ding! what's the situation for a person?

fudge: uhhh....

the pt: this is so easy.

fudge: uhh..... (shrugs)

the pt: ehhhhhmp. try again.

fudge: uhhhh.....ermmm....to be a....friend?

the pt: ehhhhmo. try again.

fudge: i give up, the pt. what's the situation for a person?

the pt: to work at a hospital. DUH.

Red Flowers, Arguments, And Insecurities

Definitions

Chana (almost 8): What does "surrender" mean?

Me: To give up.

Rivka (almost 6): You mean like to forfeit?
----
Chana: What does "bicker" mean?

Me: Bigger? What are you talking about?

Rivka: It means "argue."

Who is Rich?

The PT (age 6!): Fudge, did you see my rich picture?

Fudge (18): Yes it's very nice. Why is it the 'rich' picture?

The PT: Because they're happy with what they have.

Fudge: I see...what are these?

The PT: Jewels.

Fudge: And that house looks pretty big.

The PT: It's a castle.

Fudge: So they're rich because they live in a castle and have jewels.

The PT: That's why they're happy with what they have!

When Brothers Escape from Yeshiva...

Instant Message from Fudge (at home):


fudge: abba

fudge: rafiki is here

psychotoddler: what the

fudge: that is what i said

fudge: he appeared like dracula

fudge: from the night

fudge: he says he left his usb drive in the back of your car

psychotoddler: which car

fudge: your red car

psychotoddler: too bad for him

fudge: your midlife crisis vehicle

fudge: your flaming

fudge: uh

fudge: he wants to know if you can fax it over

psychotoddler: fax a flash drive?

fudge: he is not serious apparently

psychotoddler: who can tell

fudge: not i

psychotoddler: how did he get there

fudge: it was like a flash of blinding light

fudge: there was a poof

fudge: i thought it was you, and screamed

fudge: and then he was back alive

psychotoddler: ack!

psychotoddler: this would make a good post

fudge: not really

fudge: but you know what would make a good post

fudge: The PT's coming home in two minutes

fudge: wait till SHE sees him

psychotoddler: he can yell surprise

fudge: it will be 'what the' times two

psychotoddler: more like

psychotoddler: "I want a yogurt"

fudge: what do you know of yoghurts?

psychotoddler: I know there's no h in yogurt

fudge: there are in british ones

fudge: and healthy ones

psychotoddler: the british misspell everything

Oh, brother!

Mordechai (7) was wondering about Mothers' Day and about how the whole thing got started. I explained to him the whole Hallmark thing. He then asked, "Why don't they have Brothers' Day?"

"Well, um, I don't really know," I replied.

Mordechai shrugged and said, "It doesn't matter anyway because one day I'll be a father."

UPDATE: I was telling the story over to Dovid and Sari (4) piped up to say, quite matter-of-factly, "On Mothers' Day all the non-Jewish fathers take the mothers to a fancy restaurant."

Got that Dovid?

I Just Want my Nose Back

I brought KJ (4 y/o) to the clinic for red eyes. The pediatrician said she thinks he may have a little conjunctivitis, so she gave him drops. Earlier that morning KJ came into my room and said, "Momma, I need a new nose." I could tell his nose was plugged. So at the clinic the Pediatrician asked, "So how you doing little guy?" KJ said, "I just want my nose back." she said, "Oh, he just wants his nose back doesn't he?"

A Surprise for Mommy

As we were leaving preschool today, Ann pointed out a row of painted projects that were drying in the hallway outside the classroom. They seemed to be little cups full of earth, a popsicle stick, and some beans.

"Mommy," said Ann, "Do you know what's coming up after Lag Ba'Omer?"

"What?"

"Mother's Day."

"Really?"

"Yes. And we will say thank you for you doing things for us. Like giving us food, or things to eat, or just everything."

"That's very nice, Ann."

"Also, we will give you something. It's a surprise, so I'm not going to tell you that it's a plant! I'll tell you what the surprise is going to be when you open it!"

"I can't wait, Ann!"

JIB Awards!

We've been nominated (well, by me, but hey, just go with it) for a Jewish and Israeli Blog Award in the Best Group Blog category!

The JIBs are a great way to get new readers introduced to blogs, so let's make a good impression and get our kids to say some truly goofy things!

You can vote here.

Ghost of Fudge

Our daughter Fudge is away in New York (vote here!), but her spirit lives on in her five-year-old sister:

Mrs. B: Did you eat all these cookies??

The PT: No, I licked them.

What's in a Name?

Wednesday is recycling day around here, and it was time to get the pile of recyclable paper out to the trash can.

One piece of paper in the pile was a plain, white envelope with Ann's name on it in red marker - the envelope that had contained her "Preschool Graduation" invitation (!).

Ann (3) snatched it out of the pile, and dramatically exclaimed, "My name!! You can't throw my name into the garbage! I need to keep my name for a long, long time!"

Multi-Grain Cheerios

My niece Henna Baila (2.5) knew what she wanted for breakfast a few days, and was happy announcing it to her parents:

I want Moldy Green Cheerios!

Science Wonders for Kids

Come check out Talia's blog. She's very excited to have added new questions and would love to get some feedback.

http://www.sciencewonders4kids.blogspot.com/

That's Confusing!

The PT (holding her arms at her side and her legs together): Look! I'm an "I"!

Me: Or a lower case "L"!

The PT: Erm...why don't they just make a lower case "L" a little "L"? It's too confusing!

Me: I have no idea.

So literal!

At the hotel, in the children's dining room, as I'm bringing some chicken over to Ada (2 1/2):

Me: Ada, look! I got you the best chicken in the house.

She (laughing at the "joke"): Dis not a house!

And then, a short while later...

Me (hugging her to pieces): I love you, baby doll.

She (looking at me like I'm an idiot): I not a doll, I'm a Ada!

Private - Keep Out

In light of the recent rains, Ann (3) has taken to insisting that all her clothes are "wet from the storm" whenever we get home.

Today after preschool, she took everything off and was a little slow to get dressed in something "dry".

"Ann," I said, "You can start by getting another pair of underwear."

Her reply: "Um, Mommy? How about if we don't talk about things that are 'privacy'. Okay?"

Recipe for Egg Salad

Mrs. B: Iguana, you can make some egg salad if you want. Do you know how?

Iguana (10): I think I do. You add salt, pepper, mayonnaise and...mustard.

Mrs. B: Right.

The PT (5): Erm...I think you need some eggs...because they call it "egg salad."

Blum offerings

Things to Look Forward to:

Your kids get driver's licenses and borrow your car!

Cell Phone: Uh...Abba?

Abba: Hello? Who is this?

Moe.

What are you doing on Fudge's cell phone?

She drove me to the orthodontist.

And?

And the keys are in the car...but we aren't.

And?

And...we called Mommy but she can't pick us up...because we have the car.

And?

And...you're in clinic seeing patients, so she got Grampa to agree to go to your office and get your car key and bring it over here so we can get in.

I see.

Aren't you going to say something?

Is there something that NEEDS to be said?

Uh...I guess not.

The only way this could be worse would be if the car were still running.

Hello?

My family's future

My school was giving away some (really) old iMacs. Not one to turn down a freebie, I figured I'd bring it home for the kids to play with and learn to type on, etc.. They were absolutely overjoyed when they saw it. As I was putting it together, they were dancing around me excitedly. When I turned it on, Mordechai caught his breath in a little gasp and looked at me with shining eyes and said, "Does this mean we can have our own blogs?"

Looks like I'm headed down the same road taken by the PT family. G-d help the blogosphere.;)

Kie-Wak-Eee

Since Kaiser was taken kayaking last summer he has not forgotten it. He saw a commercial on TV yesterday of two men kayaking and said, "Mom, I wanna go Ky-wak-eeeeee." I like the way he said it. I had to keep asking him, "what is it called?"

"Kie-Wa-Keeeee"

Quote

Sari (4) and Ada (2) went down the hall to visit Penina. Apparently she wasn't home because no one answered their knocks. Sari came back to the door and was holding it open, urging Ada to come back home while Ada was stubbornly holding her ground. After a moment or two of this, Sari called out:

Mom, I need some assistance.

Me (surprised to hear her use that word): Assistance, eh? Where did you hear that? Who says that?

Sari (with a mischievous twinkle in her eye): Daddy says that to you.

Me: He does? When?

Sari: When I'm not going to bed!

No Wonder She Is So Good At Scrabble

She is my 7 1/2 year old daughter. She has a great vocabulary and loves to play boggle and scrabble.

When we play word games with her, we are often pleasantly surprised by her choice of words she uses, and other times, we are stunned. She is the cunning, oops I mean the quiet observer and listener. She's always been this way.

So why should I be so shocked when, out of the blue last night, she asked me -

"Momma, what does Shmuck mean?"

Clearing my throat, I said, "Uh, what?"

"Shmuck. I heard you use it when you were talking about your friend."

"Um, well, uh, a Shmuck is a jerk. When someone is acting like a big jerk, that's what it means."

"Hmm", she sighed to herself.

"Then, momma, there is sure a lot of Shmucks at my school."

"Well, Nat, I am sure there are, but it's not a word you want to use at school."


Let's just save it for Scrabble. How many points is it worth?

Help Me Do It Myself

We were getting ready to go to town I told Kaiser to change from shorts to pants. He asked me to help him. I said, "No, do it yourself." He said, "NO, I want you to help me do it myself."

My sister-in-law came to visit. We don't see her very often, when Kaiser (4) came in, he kept looking at her then came to me and said, "Mom, what is that?" pointing to my sister-in-law. She laughed and asked if she looked that bad. I said, "That's aunt Carolyn."

Peer pressure?

Chana (7), Rivka (5), and I were walking home from synagogue, when Rivka bent down to pick up a lollipop stick she had dropped.

Chana: What's that?

Rivka: My lolli stick.

Chana: Oh, I thought it was a cigarette.

Rivka: What's a cigarette.

Chana: It's something that you should never, ever, use. It can kill you. But it makes you look cool.

Me: WHAT!!!!????

Chana: It does, Daddy.

Me: How does it make you look cool?

Chana: It just does.

Me: What do you know about cool, anyway?

Chana: A whole lot more than you.

(My guess is that at some anti-smoking assembly at school, someone said that smoking might make you look cool, but it's dangerous. In any case, we straightened it out and agreed that it is not cool.)

Steppenwolf, eat your heart out

Chana (7) was having a friend sleep over. Rivka (5) was a little out of control.

Mrs. Ralphie: Rivka, you need to stop being so wild.

Rivka (completely genuinely, searching for the right words): But, Mom, I was... born to be wild.

No, she's never heard - or heard of - the song.

Arctic construction materials

We were at a Purim party today. My wife asked me to find her some bottled water (which she saw others drinking) but I couldn't. Then, as we were leaving, I noticed where they were.

Me: Oh, there's an igloo of water under the table.

Rivka (5): How can an igloo be made of water? It would just fall apart.

Girl Cheese

Not my son but my dear friends four year old, Grayson, asked his mom, "What's for lunch?" she told him "Grilled cheese sandwiches" he got angry and said, "NO I don't want GIRL cheese sandwiches mom, I want BOY cheese!"

Mordechai's rebbe met up with Dovid today in yeshiva and told over the following conversation he had had today with Mordechai (just turned 7!):

Mordechai: Is it okay to ask a rebbe when his birthday is?

Rebbe: The Torah doesn't say you can't but it's not so nice to ask older people because it's considered a private question.

Rebbe: Why? Does it make a difference?

Mordechai: Not really. I just wanted to know your birthday so I could tell my mother to bake a cake.

Five Year Old Semantics

Background: my chiropractor offers treats to kids with their parents' permission.

Oldest Son - age 5 at the time (as we're driving to the chiropractor): Eema, can I have a treat from the chiropractor?

Me: If they offer, then it's okay with me. But please don't pester them for a treat.

Oldest Son: So I shouldn't ask? I should wait until they offer?

Me (as we arrive at chiropractor's office): Yes.

After we entered the office, I signed in and Oldest Son marched up to the front desk.

Oldest Son: Excuse me please. I'd really like to have a treat, but my eema said I shouldn't ask for one. So if you'd like to offer one, I can say yes.

Chiropractor staff (laughing): Oh! Would you like a treat?

Oldest Son: Yes, please. Thank you.

Chiropractor staff: Should we ask your mom if it's okay with her?

Oldest Son: No, she already said I could have one. Just that I couldn't ask for it.

My Wife's Name

KJ (4) still likes to pretend knock on the door, when I say come in he pretends to open the door then will run to me excited saying, "HI MOMMA" Yes he's still at it. This last time I asked him how his wife and kids were. This time he said, "I got a new wife." I asked what his new wifes name was he said, "My wife's name is goofball." Now THAT'S a name I taught him unfortunately.

(test post)

Butterfly names

from Sweetie, 7:

- What should I name my butterfly?
- It's made of paper. You're gonna name it?
- Yeah.
- Okay, what do you wanna name it?
- Well, my [deceased] bird was named Buddy.
- You wanna name it Buddy?
- Yeah.
- Okay.
- ... She doesn't like that name.
- <raised eyebrow> The butterfly doesn't like it?
- No.
- So what are you gonna name her then?
- Hmm... she likes water.
- You're gonna name her water?
- Yeah.
- Ohhh-kay.

Hawaiian noises

Last night Rivka (5) started to change into her pajamas but stopped after removing her shirt.

Me: What are you doing?

Rivka: Getting ready to do the hula (starts wiggling her hips around)

Me: Oy.

Rivka: You can't do the hula with your shirt on.

Me: Are you crazy? What are you talking about?

Rivka: No. You can only wear a necklace.

The Wisdom of Children

Olivia: Mommy, I know why they call it a "penis."

Me: Oh?

Olivia: Because pee comes out of it.

OY!

Holy Men

Yesterday Rivka, 5, saw a Sikh wearing a turban (as they are wont to do). When Mrs. R. picked her up from school, Rivka said, "Mommy, I think I saw the Kohen Gadol today."

DA!

This isn't funny like all the rest of the posts on this blog are, but it sure made us smile.

Elianna (10.5 months), to me:

"DA!"

Cop-out

(Beloved is my husband. Sweetie is 7.)

Me, to Beloved: We should go to that karaoke club sometime; it would be fun.
Sweetie: Yeah, it would be fun.
Me: You wouldn't be going anyway until you're older.
Sweetie: Yeah I would!
Me: You don't even know what karaoke means.
Sweetie: Yes I do.
Me: Okay, what does it mean?
Sweetie: I don't wanna tell you right now 'cause my throat hurts.

Good neighbors aren't everything

After wrestling with a jar of marinara sauce with no luck, I sent Mordechai with the jar to my neighbor's house so she could try her hand at getting it open. He came back a few minutes later with the opened jar.

Me: Oh, wow, great. How'd she get it open?

Mordechai: Oh, she had this can opener thing she used to twist it open.

Me: Well, isn't it great to have good neighbors?

Mordechai (shrugs, as if to say, "yeah, whatever."): It's even better to have a can opener.

Noodles

My parents blew into town last week and whisked off the whole family to a local restaurant. Rivka, 5, ordered noodles. The same thing she eats basically every meal.

Mrs. R: You like noodles? I had no idea you liked noodles.

Rivka (after studying her mom for a minute): You're being sarcastic.

Mrs. R: Where'd you learn that word?

Rivka (gesturing towards her sister, Chana, 7): Ask the Chanster.

Convert or Die!

Sorry to interrupt the flow of things around here, but I was forced to convert my Blogger profile over to The New Blogger (hmm...shades of New Coke here) and as a result this blog (which I own--HA!) has been converted as well.

So if you still want to post here, you must upgrade to New Blogger.

BTW the process was mostly benign, although I feel a little like Jeff Goldblum in Invasion of the Body Snatchers after he becomes a Pod Person. It was painless, yet part of me has been left behind.

Also, beware: If you have more than one Blogger account linked to the same Gmail address, they will be combined into one. This was a problem for me as I had one under Psychotoddler and one under my real name which I used for my Mother's Holocaust story blog, Rose's Story.

So all of the sudden, all of my posts and comments were being signed with my REAL NAME. If this is a problem for you, make a new google account first! I fixed the problem by changing the default name back to Psychotoddler, but now it has that name on my Mother's blog. Unfortunately, I don't think there's any way to fix that.

Foreign Visitors

I wanted to get this up quickly before Shabbat begins.

Comments from Oldest Son (6) when I picked him up from school today:

Oldest Son: Eema, guess what? We had visitors from lots of different countries at school today.

Me: Oh? What countries?

Oldest Son: They came from Israel and Africa and Mexico and New Jersey.

I Didn't Teach Him This

KJ (3, almost 4) likes to pretend to knock on the door and I have to say "Come in" He pretends to open the door going, "HI MOMMA!" and will run up to me and give me a hug. Yesterday I said, "HI sweetie, how are you? How's the wife and kids?" He looked at me then said, "I need new kids."

Time for a New Computer?

From my sister-in-law:

Last night I asked Ben a question and he didn't answer right away.

Then he said,

"I'm loading. I'll tell you in a minute."

Allergies

Sweetie, 7, asks the weirdest questions:

- Why I keep farting alla time?
- I dunno.
- Am I sick?
- No, farting doesn't mean you're sick.

<later, farting again>
- Do I have allergies with my butt?
- <laughing>
- Are you gonna write that down?

Why?

Part of a much longer Q&A overheard shortly before the kids' bedtime Saturday evening:

Oldest Son (6): Abba? Can you ask Eema if we can come downstairs?

Eema (me): [Thinking, I guess we know who's in charge in this house...]

Abba: Why?

Oldest Son: Because we want to come downstairs.

Abba: Why?

Oldest Son: Because we played everything and we're tired of playing everything.

Youngest Son (3-3/4): Yeah.

Abba: Why?

Oldest Son: Why do you keep asking why?

Abba: Because I'm trying to understand.

Oldest Son: Well, usually parents understand everything. So can we come downstairs?

Abba: Why?

Oldest Son: Arrggggh.

Youngest Son: Not again!

Oldest Son: [to Youngest Son] Let's just go downstairs.

Person of Color

In two separate incidents, my children question my ethnicity:

Incident 1:

Rivka (5, dancing around and singing): Martin Luther King, Jr! Martin Luther King, Jr!

Me: Who was Martin Luther King, Jr?

Rivka: He was a very important man. He brought peace between the white people and the brown people.

Me: Okaaaayyy....

Rivka (stares at me for a second): Daddy, are you a brown person?

Incident 2:

Chana (7): Mom, here's a picture of Martin Luther King, Jr.

Mrs. R: That's very nice. What did Martin Luther King, Jr. do?

Chana: He was a very smart man. He tried to help make peace between white people and brown people.

Mrs. R: Close enough.

Chana: Mom, is Daddy brown?

Keep in mind that I'm as white as anyone else in my family. Maybe I have a bit of olive in my complexion, but it's hardly noticeable. I don't really understand where any of this is coming from.

Life and Death

Almost every Sunday, the kids and I travel along the Jackie Robinson Parkway (a.k.a. the Interboro) en route to my mom and dad's house in Brooklyn. Sari (4) and Ada (2) have a habit of shouting "cemetery!" as soon as the headstones along the parkway come into view. Sari has been enjoying this ritual for quite some time and is thrilled to see that Ada has joined her. Last week, she seemed a bit more thoughtful:

Sari: Mommy, when I die, can you bury me next to you?

Me: Honey, that's not going to happen for a very, very long time so I don't think we have to plan about that yet.

Sari: I know, I know. But when I die, could you bury me next to you?

Me: Sure, okay.

Sari: And Daddy and Mordechai and Ada, too?

Me: Yeah, sure. But you know that's not going to happen for a very, very long time when we're very, very old.

Sari (clapping her hands, gleefully): Yay! We're going to be all together just like now! It's going to be so much fun!

Everyday Math

I was doing a puzzle a few weeks ago when Mordechai (almost 7) asked me if 15 times 20 is 300. I was totally shocked and then he explained how he knew that. He had counted the pieces along the width and length of the puzzle and realized that by multiplying those numbers he would get the amount of pieces in the puzzle. Then he just had to look at the puzzle box for the answer!

(His math homework tonight was simple word problems requiring subtraction or addition with single-digit numbers. Something tells me he's not exactly being challenged in math class.)

Hardened His Hearing

On Friday night, OD asked Ben (4), "Do you want chicken?" (I think that was the question, or something similar) and Ben didn't reply.

He asked him two more times and then said loudly,

"Ben! I'm asking you if you want more chicken."

Ben said,

"I didn't hear you the first 2... 3 times you said it."

That's Not Funny

From SIL...

Many of Henna Bayla's respones are so random, we don't what she's thinking. But yesterday, Ben and Hen had a great exchange.

HB: (something, I don't remember)
Ben: That wasn't funny.
HB: I wasn't going to laugh.

On a more serious note, HB was saying some silly things so I said to Ben, "your sister is so funny and silly." Ben responded, "No... she's kind and nice."

Memory

I'm setting up a DVD for Rivka, 5.

Rivka: I want "Pony friends at the Park."

Me: We haven't rented this video in months - you can remember the name of the specific episode you want to see?

Rivka: Of course, Daddy. I don't remember what you tell me to do, but I remember shows.

My Kids Speak

Fudge and The PT are reunited over Winter Break.

A Growing Hunger

Oldest Son turned six yesterday, a fact that he's quite proud of. All day today, he's asked for more food at each meal, claiming, "I'm six now so I can have more."

Tonight at dinner, I finally asked him about this reasoning.

Oldest Son: Can I have another piece of pizza please? I can have more now because I'm six.

Eema (me): How is it you can have more now because you're six?

Oldest Son: Because when I was five, my tummy was here (points to an area just to the side of his navel), and now that I'm six, it's here (points to an area about two inches to the other side of his navel).

Eema: Oh. So your tummy grew?

Oldest Son: Uh huh. And it's bigger now.

Eema: How could it have grown that much in two days?

Oldest Son: I guess because when it was my birthday, it was my tummy's birthday too!

Full length mirror

We finally get to the hotel and Rivka, 5, makes a beeline for the full-length mirror (we don't have any at home). She strikes a pose and announces, simply, "FASHION!"