Thursday, December 28, 2006

The Dreaded Dinner Talk

Around the dinner table, a few days after our last talk...

Iguana (10): So today, we had a nurse come in and tell us what has to happen to have a baby.

Abba (40): >choke< >gag< >cough<

Iguana: So she told us that we have a womb, and our wombs are growing now. And then pretty soon we're going to start get our periods.

Abba: >clears throat<

Iguana: Are you OK?

Abba: ...yeah...

The PT (5): What's a woom?

Iguana: So what I want to know is, like, how am I going to know when I need to put one of those pads on?

The PT: Is that like, a bedwoom? You know...like...BEDWOOM??

Abba: Well, I think that's a great question for your mother.

Iguana: Yeah, but you're here, and she's like way over there. (Gestures at Mrs. B minding her own business by the sink).

Abba: (Tries to get Mrs. B's attention)

Mrs. B: (Totally ignores Abba but seems to be smirking)

Abba: Yes, well most women have some kind of...stuff...that they can tell their period is coming.

Iguana: She also said that we wouldn't start having children until after we were married.

Abba: Good.

The PT: Hahaha I said BEDWOOM!!

Iguana: But what I want to know is, how does your body know that you're married?

Abba: Huh?

Iguana: I mean, what, you have the ceremony and suddenly your body knows you're married and you have a baby?

Abba: Sounds like maybe they didn't fill you in on all the details.

Mrs. B: (smiles and shakes head)

The PT: Hey, Iguana, let's go up to our bedwoom!

15 comments:

Anonymous said...

This sounds like it is straight out of a sitcom!

Iguana: She also said that we wouldn't start having children until after we were married.

In my school they told us the same thing, also sans details, and I think we were even older than 10.

Anonymous said...

I'm lovin' it. Looking forward to future conversations...:)

Anonymous said...

OMG. I can't imagine having this conversation with my father. Even today.

Ezzie said...

This is awesome. (I am so dreading 10 years from now all of a sudden.)

Sheyna Galyan said...

Ah, to be a fly on the wall...

Dinnertime in your household sounds like a riot! :-)

Ralphie said...

a. I have three girls. I am done for.

b. How sad is it that I was going to make the same room/womb joke in some fashion even before I read PT's lines?

c. The part about telling girls they won't have babies before they're married (as opposed to 'they shouldn't')... is slightly problematic. I mean, um, what if they get a little older and think that, uh, they can do what they want cuz they're not married and so don't have to worry about the, um, y'know, baby part? Not to suggest that any Iguana or other reptile would succumb to such temptations.

Kiwi the Geek said...

Ezzie & Ralphie, not every girl does this. (I wished my dad knew nothing about it.) As PT said before, she may just be messing with him because she likes making his face all red.

Beloved oughta thank his lucky stars that Sweetie knows everything before she needs to. And we've been over the part where you don't sleep in the same bed with a man unless you're married to him. (She's not interested in the mechanics yet.)

Y'know, there are books on this subject for kids if their parents are too squeamish to talk about it. I could recommend a few.

torontopearl said...

Mark, I'm contacting you in the next few months to give my kids the "facts of life" lecture. Hey, you can bill me and say it's for "consultant fees"!

Anonymous said...

RaggedyAnn is 3 1/2. For now she has decided that Bert (of Bert and Ernie) will be her husband, and he can sleep in the guest room, since she shares a room with her brother already. We'll see how these plans evolve. I really can't picture having a son-in-law with such a severe unibrow, though.

Anonymous said...

Really, Mark, aren't you a doctor?

When fathers act squeamish and weird about such questions from daughters, they model for their daughters that they are to be embarrassed about their own bodies. In order for a girl to be able to be properly modest, she must understand her body and respect it, not be embarrassed by it. Answer matter-of-factly and admit when you aren't sure, and it's like anything else.

Iguana: I mean, what, you have the ceremony and suddenly your body knows you're married and you have a baby?

This is actually a great opportunity to both make sure she wasn't given incorrect information and to give a lesson about the reasoning of the ages of halakhic adulthood followed by discussing the differences between halakhically being a Jewish adult and being an adult in or society today.

PsychoToddler said...

SaraK: I don't think this is really a "birds and bees" lecture that they get but more of a "don't be surprised if you start to have periods" type of thing. And use deodorant.

RM: I wouldn't want to have this conversation with your father either.

Ayelet: Laugh now. You'll be squirming same as me when it's your turn.

Sheyna: Dinner time is getting more and more risque. I'm going to go back to watching the news.

Ralphie: a. You sure are. But I have 3 girls too so I shouldn't laugh at you.

b. That's what I love about you. Did I mention that I finagled my wife into renting Nacho Libre??

c. I agree. They really haven't been told anything that makes sense, so the real conversation has been postponed. THis is the problem with super frum schools. It's like they hope by ignoring it that it won't happen. The kids will probably have to find out about it the same way the rest of us did.

Kiwi: It's not that I can't discuss this in a clinical matter. It's that I like my daughter the way she is--pre-adolescent, and I'm not really in a rush to change that.


Ezzie: Let us bloggers do the legwork for you. Somewhere in this thread I'm sure the correct approach will emerge.


TP: sorry, I'm busy that week.

RM: Good G-d, how many times do I have to say it, BERT and ERNIE are GAY!

The sooner your daughter knows, the sooner she can move on.

anonymous: Yes, I'm a doctor. So what? Mrs B is a nurse. As we like to say in my house: I am rubber, you are glue, whatever task you assign to me will bounce off and stick to you!

But seriously, I don't think Iguana has a body image problem. However, I prefer to think of her as a cute kid who can do strong bad imitations and boss battles in Final Fantasy, not a girl going into adolescense.

And I think deep down I really want to keep her innocent for a little while longer.

Kiwi the Geek said...

It's not that I can't discuss this in a clinical matter. It's that I like my daughter the way she is--pre-adolescent, and I'm not really in a rush to change that.

I figured that out after the last post. My comment about the books was more of a general thing to everybody. I know, Beloved says I'm way too serious.

My first reaction to the post was HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Is that better? ;o)

PsychoToddler said...

Much.

Safranit said...

I can't stop laughing!! But on a slightly more serious note....when the billboards trying to prevent teen pregnancy were up in Milwaukee, one child a bit younger than Iguana (from your community) was quoted asking her mother what "virginity" was, and her mother answered "something for the Goyim".

There must be a better way to explain...

PsychoToddler said...

That's a weird answer. Maybe the mother was confused as well. Virgin Mary maybe?