What holiday is this, anyway?

We always go to church on Christmas Eve for the candlelight service. Monday, Sweetie (9) and I had this conversation:

- Can we go to Hanukkah?
- Hanukkah isn't a place, it's a holiday. Are you saying you want to celebrate Hanukkah? <all ready to explain about the menorah>
- I wanna go to church.
- We don't celebrate Hannukah at church, that would be at a synagogue. <all ready to explain what a synagogue is>
- No, the candles at church.
- <finally getting it> You mean you want to go to the candlelight service on Christmas eve?
- Yeah!

She must have learned about Hanukkah at school, and connected the candles in the menorah with the candles on Christmas Eve.

SIL, Fashionista

From my sister-in-law: Last night I was getting ready to go to the Chofetz Chaim Annual Dinner and I was wearing a fancy outfit. Shira (almost 2) patted my skirt and said "I-like-it dress". I had yet to put on my make-up and wig, but Ben (6) thought that was fine. He commented, "It's good that you look beautiful, but not so beautiful because then you'd be showing off."

On Shabbos, Ben and Hen (4) were finding commonalities in everyone's clothing color, but Hen announced that since she was wearing black, she went with everyone because "black matches everything."

Voting

From SIL: When we were on line to vote on Tuesday, Henna Bayla (5) pointed to an African American man behind us and said very loudly, "He has the same color hair as Obama!"

Pigs

While walking into the house from the car:

SD: Abba's a pig
ME: [about to reprimand him that we don't call people pigs, especially Abba]
SD: You're a pig, and ZB is a pig. I'm the big bad wolf. If you don't build your house strong enough, I'll blow it down.
ME: [glad I hadn't said anything]

pearls of wisdom from the pt

here are your yuntif tidbits: 

1. "looks like second grade turned into yuntif grade." 

2. "yonina, let's play a game. i see one tree that's more colorful than any other tree on our block. which one am i looking at?" 

"er...the brown one?"

"no." 

"uh...the light silver one?" 

"um...no." 

"okay, i give up."

"it's the red one." 

"there aren't any red trees on our block!" 

"that one right there, yonina. it's very bright." 

"OH! you meant the LEAVES?"

homework

one of yonina's homework assignments i found lying around:

"Make a 'To Do List' for a Secret Person! Fill in the steps:

1. wake up
2. get jrest
3. brush teeth
4. go to the ofinige
5. get chiltrin brecfist

Who Am I: Quintes Lincin (teacher's comment: Lincoln?) "

Home of the rich and famous

Yesterday, Mordechai (8) was complaining about the lack of scheduled activites for Erev Yom Kippur.

“I’m gonna be so bored!” he said.

I pointed out that we could play, read, and eat. I also mentioned that we still had to do tashlich. Then I added, "Oh, and we have to do kapparos tomorrow!"

His response: "Yeah, but what's the point of doing kapparos…there’s no poor people in Palm Beach!"

A g'mar chatimah tovah to all!

Kids in the Kitchen

Situation: Serach was baking cookies with Elianna

Serach: Elianna, let's add some baking soda now.

Elianna: Ooh, baking Coke!

Deleted

Sorry, I posted in wrong room. Couldnt' find how to delete the whole post.

Well, I should add something, lets see. My five year old boy told me he wants to be a Narrow-surgeon. I couldn't figure out what he meant until he said, "you know, your brain?"

Mixed Up Relationships

SD (3 1/2) asked Abba last night if I was Abba's daughter.

When I Grow Up...

From SIL about my nephew, Ben.

Ben likes the animal-theme bathroom cups at Grandma and Grandpa's house in Cleveland.
Ben: When I'm an adult I'm going to get those animal cups -- if they're cheap.
SIL: Well, if they're so important to you, maybe you'll get them even if they're not cheap.
Ben: When I'm an adult, they're not going to be important to me.

You Can Have a Cookie

Note: This story was sent to me

Background: My daughter (just turned 3 yo) frequently has temper tantrums and cries and screams until she works it out or falls asleep.
Several times my wife tried to coax her out of them by saying something like "You can have a cookie if you stop crying."

My wife recently had a miscarriage. We were at the hospital for a D&C as the baby wasn't coming out on its own. Because of the timing of events, I wasn't able to get anyone to watch my daughter, so we had her with us. (I had books, crayons, etc.) Just before she had to leave the waiting area for surgery, everything really hit my wife and she started crying very hard. A passing nurse gave us some water and a popsicle. After checking to make sure the popsicle was kosher, I gave half of it to my daughter while trying to comfort my wife. (she wasn't allowed to eat or drink)

My daughter then stood up, held out the popsicle to my wife and said in a coaxing voice: "Mommy, you can have a popsicle if you stop crying!"

That got my wife and I laughing, and helped to calm her down before she left. (Thank G-d, everything went OK and my wife is doing better, physically and emotionally).

When You Know Your Kids Need More Religious Diversity

My kids are happily Jewish, and while I thought we were doing a good job of teaching awareness and respect for religious diversity (most of their playdate friends are not Jewish), I had to rethink our strategy when this conversation came up:

Oldest Son (7): Are we mammals?

Me: Yes.

Oldest Son: So me and [Youngest Son] and Abba (Hebrew for Dad) and you are all mammals?

Me: Yes. All human beings are mammals.

Oldest Son: Even Christians?

A Return On My Investment

My stepdaughter Sweetie (8) goes back and forth between two homes. For the five years I've been mothering her, I've been trying to teach her about God and develop her character, but there are competing influences. Today, she told me about a conversation with her friend.

Jenny said she has powers. She said she can make weather. But I said, "No, God makes the weather!" And she said witches are real. But I said, "No, they aren't. God is real!"

My efforts are not in vain!

Spotty Record

Doesn't anybody blog anymore??

Pattern Classification with the Raggedys:

Andy (2 1/2) was sorting his sister's shirts.

He came to one shirt, and proclaimed it "Polka Dot!"

The next shirt was solid, and he held it up, smiled, and said, "No-ka dot!"

Not Cool

SD (3) was standing while munching on cold cereal that was in a bowl on the table. I told him it might be easier to eat if he sat in his chair. His response-"it's not cool to sit!"

Spiders

This post will need a little preface so you can appreciate the humor more. The 'ch' in the story has a ches sound.

ZB (5) was learning letter 'S' last week and the teacher expanded on the the letter by teaching the kids about spiders.

ZB: Ema, I learned about arachnitz (ches sound) today.
ME: What?
ZB: Arachnitz
ME: What's that?
ZB: spiders are arachnitz not insects
ME: Do you mean arachnids?

Tzara'as Comparisons

I was teaching the Parashas HaShavuah (weekly Torah portion) to my 2nd graders this week, and was speaking about the Tzara'as (leprosy) that affected a person who spoke badly about another. I told them that in addition to appearing on the body, Tzara'as could also come onto the clothing of a person. My student, A, responded, "Well, if it goes on your clothing, you could just put it in the laundry!" I explained that I don't think it would come off in the wash, because Hashem had sent it for a reason. She then said, "Oh, so it's like a grape juice stain!"

Runs in the Family II

First, a couple of great stories from Elianna (2) and my nephew Ben (5).

But there's also this one:

Ben, so sweet, so innocent: Imma in my class we have a disgusting tape. It says "Avremel had unexpected kitchen duty."

Duct Tape

Last week, Elmo (4) cut the cord of my phone charger. Almost immediatly after discovering this, older brother Izzy (17), began attempting to duct tape it back together (eventually suceeded). Meanwhile, Imma was trying to get Elmo to realize what he had done.
Imma: "What should we do when little boys cut up things that aren't theirs, Elmo?"
Elmo: "Tell Izzy to put duck tape on it?"

on Moshiach...

Kids are so innocent. So real. So untainted.
My 2nd grade students were hanging out near my desk during recess complaining about the unfairness of being young because the 6th grade was having a grand Bas Mitzvah Brunch and they're even having a chocolate fountain and blah blah blah.
One kid says, "Uch, it's going to be like forever til were in sixth grade. Six- no wait, um... 4 years!"
A second delicious kid turns to me and says,
"Yeah, Moshiach's already going to be here when we're in 6th grade!"

(I responded, "Don't worry, we'll make a grand Bas Mitzvah Brunch in Eretz Yisrael for you..."

but...!!!! Halevay we would all think like that....!

Best Line From Shabbos

...also known as "why I'm afraid to eat at the Raggedys."

Raggedy Mom: Where do big boys make?

Raggedy Andy (2) : In the oven!

Say what?

Mordechai picked up a tube of Lotrimin that was on the table.

Mordechai: What's this?
Daddy: Medicine.
M: For what?
D: For athlete's foot.
M: For who's foot?

Jewish Presidents

ZB (almost 5) was telling me what he learned in school. He told me he learned about presidents Washington and Avraham Lincoln.

Son's 5th Birthday

February 1st my son turns five years old. David said, "So you're going to have a birthday on Friday? How old are you going to be?"
"Sive" KJ said, "I'm going to be old"
I said, "Five isn't old sweetie."
He looked at me and seriously asked, "It isn't?" He already feels old. ;)

Kidspeak

My youngest has unintentionally, unwittingly coined a new word: "Shan"

Some weeks ago, I thought I was hearing things. "Eema, shan I finish my homework now?" "Abba, shan I give Max his supper?"

When I first asked, "What did you say, Noam?" he repeated it again. And again. And again.
It began to grow on us, even though it's absolutely wrong. I don't correct him too much on it anymore simply because I like to hear him use the word.

"Shan": another word for "should"; derived from "shall" and "can".

Not that old yet...

I recently had a birthday. Tikvah, my 4 year old, asked me how old I was now. I told her I just turned 38 years old. She looked at me in awe. Then she asked in a quiet voice, "Does that mean you are going to die soon?"

Oy, thanks for the vote of encouragement! (and I pointed out that all 4 of her grandparents were older than me, and they were all still very much alive, ptu, ptu, ptu [sorry, too much Treppenwitz])

Ebay, Look Out!

My youngest, who will turn 8, G-d willing in a couple of months, went through his POKEMON cards phase. "Abba, can we buy a pack after school?" "Eema, I promise this will be the last time I ask you for a pack." How many times did we hear that refrain?

Yes, we bought him cards...to a limit. We bought him a collector tin and special cards that went with it.

These cards were traded back and forth between friends, but my kid (not always so wise) would even trade some of his new, crisp cards for dog-eared, weathered-looking other cards. We tried to teach him how to do a wise trade, but he's his own man.

Perhaps shul isn't the place for the POKEMON cards, so what did the kid do? He put his cards in a Torah Cards collectors portfolio. We would tell people at shul, "Do you want to see Noam's Torah Cards?" And he'd reveal what was really between the covers, beaming wholeheartedly.

Yesterday, I realized that he hasn't touched his cards in a LONG, LONG time. His collectors portfolio sits on our front hallway bench from the last time he took it to shul to show his friends.

I made a remark: "Noam, you haven't played with your POKEMON cards in a long time."

Noam: "I know.... I can sell them on eBay."

Me: "Who told you that?!" (hiding the laughter)

Noam: "Nobody."

So maybe Noam isn't the best at trading cards, but eBay you'd better look out for this 7-year-old. I'm really curious as to what he'll want to price these cards! The sky's the limit...

From the Complaints Dept.

Refer please to Diagram A:

It was a lot of fun...really...

PT: Fudge! We had SO much fun in school today! Wanna hear how much fun we had?

FUDGE: Okay.

PT: Well, there were these magnets, and everybody had a different table, and every table had one writer...

FUDGE: That sounds terrific.

PT: And everybody told the writers what to write, and they wrote everybody's ideas down...except nobody wrote down my ideas because they only wanted to write down what shprintzy said...

FUDGE: Uh, the PT-

PT: And then, we were supposed to all see if the magnets could pick up the paperclips, and everybody got a turn...or at least everybody was supposed to get a turn....

FUDGE: Uh, the PT, you sound a little bitter.

PT: What is that supposed to mean?

FUDGE: You know. Mad.

PT: Well, Shprintzy DID take all the paperclips at table three, and Mindy DIDN'T let anyone else use the magnets at table one, and I wasn't a writer.

FUDGE: Did you tell the teacher?

PT (offended): No! I was having so much fun!

Didn't cut the mustard

Here's how Rivka (6) greeted me when I came home from work the other night:

Rivka: WHY DID YOU GIVE ME A MUSTARD SANDWICH?

Me: I think I gave you a cheese sandwich in your lunch.

Rivka: Daddy, it had mustard on it. DID YOU THINK I WOULDN'T NOTICE????

Rambo

The PT: Wanna see my new picture?

Me: Sure!

Me: Hmm...Rambo?

The PT: No! Rainbow!