Not Cool

SD (3) was standing while munching on cold cereal that was in a bowl on the table. I told him it might be easier to eat if he sat in his chair. His response-"it's not cool to sit!"

Spiders

This post will need a little preface so you can appreciate the humor more. The 'ch' in the story has a ches sound.

ZB (5) was learning letter 'S' last week and the teacher expanded on the the letter by teaching the kids about spiders.

ZB: Ema, I learned about arachnitz (ches sound) today.
ME: What?
ZB: Arachnitz
ME: What's that?
ZB: spiders are arachnitz not insects
ME: Do you mean arachnids?

Tzara'as Comparisons

I was teaching the Parashas HaShavuah (weekly Torah portion) to my 2nd graders this week, and was speaking about the Tzara'as (leprosy) that affected a person who spoke badly about another. I told them that in addition to appearing on the body, Tzara'as could also come onto the clothing of a person. My student, A, responded, "Well, if it goes on your clothing, you could just put it in the laundry!" I explained that I don't think it would come off in the wash, because Hashem had sent it for a reason. She then said, "Oh, so it's like a grape juice stain!"

Runs in the Family II

First, a couple of great stories from Elianna (2) and my nephew Ben (5).

But there's also this one:

Ben, so sweet, so innocent: Imma in my class we have a disgusting tape. It says "Avremel had unexpected kitchen duty."

Duct Tape

Last week, Elmo (4) cut the cord of my phone charger. Almost immediatly after discovering this, older brother Izzy (17), began attempting to duct tape it back together (eventually suceeded). Meanwhile, Imma was trying to get Elmo to realize what he had done.
Imma: "What should we do when little boys cut up things that aren't theirs, Elmo?"
Elmo: "Tell Izzy to put duck tape on it?"

on Moshiach...

Kids are so innocent. So real. So untainted.
My 2nd grade students were hanging out near my desk during recess complaining about the unfairness of being young because the 6th grade was having a grand Bas Mitzvah Brunch and they're even having a chocolate fountain and blah blah blah.
One kid says, "Uch, it's going to be like forever til were in sixth grade. Six- no wait, um... 4 years!"
A second delicious kid turns to me and says,
"Yeah, Moshiach's already going to be here when we're in 6th grade!"

(I responded, "Don't worry, we'll make a grand Bas Mitzvah Brunch in Eretz Yisrael for you..."

but...!!!! Halevay we would all think like that....!

Best Line From Shabbos

...also known as "why I'm afraid to eat at the Raggedys."

Raggedy Mom: Where do big boys make?

Raggedy Andy (2) : In the oven!

Say what?

Mordechai picked up a tube of Lotrimin that was on the table.

Mordechai: What's this?
Daddy: Medicine.
M: For what?
D: For athlete's foot.
M: For who's foot?

Jewish Presidents

ZB (almost 5) was telling me what he learned in school. He told me he learned about presidents Washington and Avraham Lincoln.

Son's 5th Birthday

February 1st my son turns five years old. David said, "So you're going to have a birthday on Friday? How old are you going to be?"
"Sive" KJ said, "I'm going to be old"
I said, "Five isn't old sweetie."
He looked at me and seriously asked, "It isn't?" He already feels old. ;)

Kidspeak

My youngest has unintentionally, unwittingly coined a new word: "Shan"

Some weeks ago, I thought I was hearing things. "Eema, shan I finish my homework now?" "Abba, shan I give Max his supper?"

When I first asked, "What did you say, Noam?" he repeated it again. And again. And again.
It began to grow on us, even though it's absolutely wrong. I don't correct him too much on it anymore simply because I like to hear him use the word.

"Shan": another word for "should"; derived from "shall" and "can".

Not that old yet...

I recently had a birthday. Tikvah, my 4 year old, asked me how old I was now. I told her I just turned 38 years old. She looked at me in awe. Then she asked in a quiet voice, "Does that mean you are going to die soon?"

Oy, thanks for the vote of encouragement! (and I pointed out that all 4 of her grandparents were older than me, and they were all still very much alive, ptu, ptu, ptu [sorry, too much Treppenwitz])

Ebay, Look Out!

My youngest, who will turn 8, G-d willing in a couple of months, went through his POKEMON cards phase. "Abba, can we buy a pack after school?" "Eema, I promise this will be the last time I ask you for a pack." How many times did we hear that refrain?

Yes, we bought him cards...to a limit. We bought him a collector tin and special cards that went with it.

These cards were traded back and forth between friends, but my kid (not always so wise) would even trade some of his new, crisp cards for dog-eared, weathered-looking other cards. We tried to teach him how to do a wise trade, but he's his own man.

Perhaps shul isn't the place for the POKEMON cards, so what did the kid do? He put his cards in a Torah Cards collectors portfolio. We would tell people at shul, "Do you want to see Noam's Torah Cards?" And he'd reveal what was really between the covers, beaming wholeheartedly.

Yesterday, I realized that he hasn't touched his cards in a LONG, LONG time. His collectors portfolio sits on our front hallway bench from the last time he took it to shul to show his friends.

I made a remark: "Noam, you haven't played with your POKEMON cards in a long time."

Noam: "I know.... I can sell them on eBay."

Me: "Who told you that?!" (hiding the laughter)

Noam: "Nobody."

So maybe Noam isn't the best at trading cards, but eBay you'd better look out for this 7-year-old. I'm really curious as to what he'll want to price these cards! The sky's the limit...

From the Complaints Dept.

Refer please to Diagram A:

It was a lot of fun...really...

PT: Fudge! We had SO much fun in school today! Wanna hear how much fun we had?

FUDGE: Okay.

PT: Well, there were these magnets, and everybody had a different table, and every table had one writer...

FUDGE: That sounds terrific.

PT: And everybody told the writers what to write, and they wrote everybody's ideas down...except nobody wrote down my ideas because they only wanted to write down what shprintzy said...

FUDGE: Uh, the PT-

PT: And then, we were supposed to all see if the magnets could pick up the paperclips, and everybody got a turn...or at least everybody was supposed to get a turn....

FUDGE: Uh, the PT, you sound a little bitter.

PT: What is that supposed to mean?

FUDGE: You know. Mad.

PT: Well, Shprintzy DID take all the paperclips at table three, and Mindy DIDN'T let anyone else use the magnets at table one, and I wasn't a writer.

FUDGE: Did you tell the teacher?

PT (offended): No! I was having so much fun!

Didn't cut the mustard

Here's how Rivka (6) greeted me when I came home from work the other night:

Rivka: WHY DID YOU GIVE ME A MUSTARD SANDWICH?

Me: I think I gave you a cheese sandwich in your lunch.

Rivka: Daddy, it had mustard on it. DID YOU THINK I WOULDN'T NOTICE????

Rambo

The PT: Wanna see my new picture?

Me: Sure!

Me: Hmm...Rambo?

The PT: No! Rainbow!

Bathroom Door Humor

Oldest Son (almost 7) and Youngest Son (4-1/2) have lately taken the concept of privacy to heart. It coincided with being separated into their own rooms (temperament needs) and they love knocking on each other's doors and asking if they can come in.

But this one caught me off guard:

Oldest Son (running upstairs): I have to go potty!

Youngest Son (running after him): Me too!

OS: I get it first!

YS: I get it second!

OS: Okay (closes bathroom door)

YS knocks on bathroom door.

OS: Who is it?

YS (after a long pause): Who do you think it is?

Of Course, Some Do Go Both Ways

Abba: Are you an innie or an outie?

The PT (6): I'm a rightie.

What's In There?

My niece Dassi (5) is quite the blunt one.

D: What do you have in there?
Ez: Huh?
D: What's in your tummy? Is there something in there? It's kind of fat. Why is your tummy so fat?