The taste of blood

<Sweetie (7) was playing with Daddy's blood sugar meter. We let her prick herself in hopes that she'll be less scared of needles at the doctor.>

- Ooh, I licked the blood!
- Ohh-kay. Does it taste good?
- Yeah. If you take a drink it'll taste even better!
- Hmmm, does that mean it doesn't taste so good, really?

When South Park visits Sesame Street

So tell me, do we encourage our kids to try to count their numbers, even if what they are counting is absolutely disgusting?

I am not one for potty humor, but if I was in the public restroom overhearing the conversation of my son, I would be laughing very hard.

A few years ago, my girlfriend taught my daughter, who was 4 years old back then, the terms "number one" and "number two", but she didn't quite grasp the concept and thought it was literal. Whenever she would go to the bathroom, she would always give me a report on the "number" when she was finished.

Somehow, this misinformation was passed down to my 4 year old son and whenever we take him to the bathroom, especially, of course, in a public restroom, he will start to count, and count, and count (he has a great digestive system.)

I played along with him because, unlike his sister at his age, my son's counting skills are still quite immature, so what a great opportunity for him to practice and listen to him count.

I just can imagine the expressions on the other women in the restrooms - probably everything from giggling to annoyance to have to hear this little voice counting his poop.

Oh the joys of childhood and the rewards of parenthood! : )

In the Eyes of a Boy

My four year old, after blowing his nose.

"Look mom, my snot looks like a slug!"

(Mom - rolling her eyes in disgust - oh yuck - THANKS SO MUCH for sharing!)

Even Dinosaurs Kept Kosher

Last night I was reading to my children, ages 4 and 7, a book on dinosaurs. When describing one dinosaur it said it was an herbivore. I asked my oldest if she new what that meant and she said no. So I asked her if she knew what a carnivore was.

"It's a meat-eater."

"Ok then, what do you think an herbivore is?"

"A milk-eater."

Psychotoddler Definitions:

Plastic Surgeon: One who operates on action figures.

Sponge Bob

For some reason KJ (3.5 y/o) likes Sponge Bob. He's never seen the cartoon but he says things like, "Would Sponge Bob like it?" or "Is he like Sponge Bob?" The other day he got off the bus wearing a Sponge Bob jacket. I asked him, "Where did you get that jacket?" He said, "It's mine." The teacher aboard the bus said, "He told us that was his." KJ said, "BYE." wanting her to hurry and leave. Silly boy. I snuck it back to the teacher in a black plastic bag the next day. What is the deal with Sponge Bob that children like him?

Rosh hashana according to Mordechai

From last year's playbook when Mordechai was five:

This is how it works: There are three books. One is for mal'achim (angels) and they for sure get a sweet new year. One is for resha'im (wicked people) and they don't get a sweet new year. And most of us are in the middle book. We sometimes do mitzvos and sometimes do aveiros. If we daven and do teshuva we'll get to the book for a sweet new year. If not, chas v'shalom, we go to the book for not a sweet new year. But children don't have to worry so much 'cause this is mostly for grown-ups.

Naming rights

Mordechai (6): I'm going to name my first kid Avi 'cuz that's Sabba's name. And if it's a girl, I'll name her Elisheva like Savta.

Me: Usually, Ashkenazi Jews like us only name after people who have already passed away.

Mordechai (quite matter-of-factly): Yeah, I know. But they'll probably be dead by then.

Me: I don't think so. You know, they're not that old.

Mordechai (starting to calculate): Well, I will probably start looking for a wife when I'm twenty and Sabba and Savta are around 55, right? It might take me a while to find someone so let's say I get married when I'm 23 or 24. So they'll be around 75 and that's pretty old....

Me: I see. Well, I hope they'll still be living to see you have lots of kids.

A note to the reader: This is a true story!

Tashlich

Need some cheese with that bread? From Tashlich yesterday.

We Need More Movies

It was time to pop in a children's DVD for KJ to watch I gave him his DVD case and asked him to choose a movie that he wants to watch. He started flipping through his big book of DVD's, flipping, flipping, flipping. Then he'd stop and look at one, and flip some more, then he looked up and said, "We need to buy more movies." He says. It's was funny because that's like walking into a chocolate factory and saying, "There's not enough chocolate in this place."

Not So PC

As I was driving by yet another panhandler on the side of the road today, I was struck by his sign and then I started to chuckle. No, it wasn't funny that he was supposedly homeless or crippled or in dire straights, but it was something that my 7 yr old said to me in the car a few months ago, that really brings up an interesting question.

She said, "Mommy, if they are homeless, where do they get the markers to make their signs?"

Excellent question. Has anyone else ever wonder about that?

Losers!

<after I finished arguing with MCI about the bill, telling them they're losers, Sweetie(7) was discussing the choice of words>
- They're LOSERS!
- But don't say that about the kids at school. I'm saying that about the company, not the people.
- But they're LOSERS, huh?
- They're losers because they're doing things to lose my business.
- And mine!

<her business is very important; she makes so many phone calls! And has the money to pay for them, HAHAHAHAHA!>

Where Did She Learn That?

Today on our way to shul, my daughter and I were playing a word game. We take a letter of the alphabet and then take turns thinking up words that begin with that letter. Today it was the letter "B", which fortunately kept us entertain since so many words begin with that, including some that I never thought I would hear my daughter not only use, but able to give a very accurate description of the definition. So here we are playing, and Natalie says "Bitch".

"Um, excuse me," I said. "What did you say?"

"Bitch."

"Do you mean as in a female dog?"

"No mommy."

"Well what do you mean?"

"You know when a girl or woman is very mean, she is called a Bitch."

To say that I was a bit stunned would not completely describe the moment. I was also trying not to laugh either. I just couldn't believe what I just heard. I could understand if she knew of the word because of hearing it on tv or from us grown-ups, but the fact that she could give me the exact definition of it, just really threw me.

Well, I didn't tell her that it wasn't appropriate. I just said that a Bitch is a female dog, so if she wants to use that word, it's ok if that is what she means, like using the word Ass for donkey.

Oh, btw, Natalie is only 7 yrs old.

Overheard on a nature walk

Kid (3-ish): You can't throw rocks at the ducks.

Tour guide: That's right! And why can't you?

Kid: You need them for those other ducks.

TG: No! We don't throw rocks at any of the ducks. It would hurt the ducks and they would be sad. Do you understand?

Kid: Yes.

TG: Excellent.

Kid: We can hit the swans.

The Whole World's Jewish

Driving in the car today down Toronto's "Jewish" street -- Bathurst Street -- I was with my two younger children. My youngest, who'll be entering grade 1 next week, G-d willing, is actively reading anything and everything, including signs.

Out of the blue, he announces to his sister and me, "The whole world's Jewish."

Both his sister and I say no. She explains nicely that not everyone is Jewish; people go to church and not just synagogues.

The little guy was adamant but gave in after a while. "Okay, maybe not the whole world. But all of Toronto is Jewish."

I said, "I don't think so... Yes, there are a lot of Jews here, but neither the whole world or all of Toronto is Jewish."

And his sister also tried to convince him of the fact.

He relented. "Okay, but some of the people are Jewish."

And with his next announcement, I understood from where this entire dialogue had materialized.

"But I saw the sign that said: www.JewishToronto.com."

Sukkach

The PT (age 5): I can't wait for Sukkos!

Curly (12): Really? Why?

The PT: Because I LOVE eating Matzah!

Curly: Uh...I think you mean Pesach.

The PT: I'm confused.

Are there any nice rattlesnakes?

As anyone who has seen my blog over the summer will know, this year we had the excitement of seeing a timber rattlesnake at camp. So shortly thereafter, my 16-yr-old brother, Izzy, was giving a lecture to my 2-yr-old brother, Squirt, on snakes, hoping to discourage him from approaching the rattlesnake if he saw it again. As he reports, it went something like this:
Izzy: Squirt, if you see a snake, don't touch it. It is dangerous.
Squirt: Can dey hurt me?
Izzy: Yes, they can hurt you. Well, not all of them. Rattlesnakes can hurt you. They are very dangeorous. Don't go near them.
Squirt: Can I pick dem up?
Izzy: No, they will hurt you. Rattlesnakes are very dangerous.
Squirt: Are dere any nice rattlesnakes?

Thankfully, Squirt never saw the rattlesnake...but if he had, I think it would have been very interesting!

More Teenspeak:

Moe: Did you notice something different about Grampa's hair? I think he got a haircut or something.

Larry: I didn't think that was even possible.

Stop laughing!

<Sweetie does something funny, and I start laughing.>
- Stop laughing!
- <chortling> Oh, but you're so funny!
- <fighting a smile> No I'm not!
- <still smiling>
- <hiding face> Stop laughing at me!
- <starting all over>
- STOP LAUGHING!!!
- <laughing harder>
- STOP LAUGHING!!!
- <trying to stop> I can't stop laughing until you stop telling me to stop.
- <angry face> STOP LAUGHING!!!
- <losing control> How can I stop laughing when you keep acting so funny?
- <pretending to cry> STOP LAUGHING!!!
- I told you, I'll stop laughing when you stop telling me to stop.
- STOP LAUGHING!!!
<exchange continues ad infinitum>

(Can you tell she really enjoys me laughing at her?)

"Hey, Rabbi..."

Overheard in the van this morning:

Oldest Son (5): Abba [Hebrew for Dad], why did G-d choose the best rabbi for us?

Abba: G-d may have helped him decide to become a rabbi, but the congregation decided they wanted him to become our rabbi.

Oldest Son: Oh. So G-d didn't say, "Hey, do you want to be a rabbi?"

Hmm... how to explain the concept of free will and career choices to a 5-year-old...